The day you were born and the day you discovered why.
The Two Most Important Days In Your Life were the day you were born and the day you discovered why.
Since I fell into midlife crisis some 6-7 years ago I've been blessed to meet hundreds of men in person or online that are traveling their own midlife crisis. Often times it is difficult to not look directly at the dark side of MLC and miss the important things that are happening in us. Most of us men that fell headlong into this disarray of our lives were formerly strong men with character, integrity, and beliefs that we held to that made us who we are. Then in MLC the crisis is that all of these strengths are shaken to the core! We question who we are. We question our beliefs. We compromise our integrity. We find ourselves often lost and confused about our life and questioning everything we once stood for including our major life choices of career, home, and marriage. Sadly much of this questioning, although good in some way, comes at the lowest web of our life and is often colored through the eyes of sadness or midlife-male-depression which is not good and is a poor time to make changes concerning our major life choices.
All of life's adversities come to bear on our character. Midlife Crisis comes to bear upon our strengths more often than our weaknesses. If we were only shaken in our weaknesses we could handle that! We would simply shirk-off the pressure and temptations saying “I know I'm weak in THAT area” and simply compensate for it with our strengths. Instead we are tested and shaken in the area of our strengths where we least expect to be shaken – our commitment to wife and family, our occupation, our values, our fidelity, our lifestyle, our marriage – the important things that made me – me! THIS is what makes it such a crisis! We take on attributes we once detested and express someone we are not and our story reads a lot like a science fiction movie (body snatchers...) and we are alien to those who love us the most. Its pure hell really isn't it?! Especially when we break free of it enough to look back and see all that we have done!
I've met men (and I am one of them) who at this phase feel such a failure in life.
Some men chose to return to their lost ground and marriages only to withdraw into silence over their crisis and cover it over. This never works! You will find yourself back in it again. If you chose the path of silence and refuse to look at it you will either leave again or settle into a dull existence of life that gets by but seethes inside of you as you make internal compromises to take your lumps, remain married, and keep the peace. There is no peace there! You are a silent monster ready to explode or implode. Why?
I refuse to accept the world view that MLC is just “men behaving badly”; there is a higher purpose for this crisis.
Some men (those other 85% outside our door) never experience the “crisis” portion of this midlife but simply transition on with just a measure of sadness over days gone by, but press on without much of a dent in their armor. Often times they are esteemed as the “strong ones”. Rethink that! How many great leaders in our history do you know of that were not attacked because of or in their strength? Very few. There is a higher purpose to what you are going through in this MLC.
Our midlife crisis is a transition. One of our largest mistakes is in the temptation to confuse our reassessment of our major-life-choices with the need to change them before our transition is complete. Sadness during our reassessment time is part of this process; so accept it as merely a part of it. Almost ALL of us men in MLC confuse this sadness phase with “unhappiness”. How many times have you heard, or read here on the forum, men say “I am unhappy in my _________” (fill in the blank)? When we are sad then of course we will feel unhappy. But the worst decision you can make during this period of sadness is to try to undo a major-life-choice such as marriage or career on the basis of current unhappiness. Happiness is fickle. It changes. It cannot be trusted to lead our lives. It is only good at measuring how we feel and where we are at. It is a measuring tool; not a direction to pursue. You are transitioning through this time for a reason; what is it?
I opened this discussion with an important clue to the reason for our transition: “The Two Most Important Days In Your Life were the day you were born and the day you discovered why.” Many of us have lived very focused lives until MLC in our early adulthood. The goals and achievements we made were not without reason. Our focus led us through the period of building, supply, and demand of resources as we built for outward reasons of career, house, and family and we measured our success according to these markers. Today as our families grow, parents pass on, and our youth fades away these markers are less meaningful aren't they? There is an important question to be answered and that lies in the wings. The question about “why you are here”. I want to encourage you, if you haven't already, to ask AND answer this question.
It takes time, internal dialogue, silence, and listening to your heart to find the answer; you wont just find it this afternoon (even though it IS already inside of you right now). Answer it. It is the clue to the second half of your life.
Some men will need to make a mid-course correction in order to find this answer. It is worth it; do it. Going into crisis created many poor choices; gaining lost ground is often the complete reversal of what led you to where you are today. Reverse the trend.
I want to give you an important “first step”. This may sound too simplistic but it isn't really. Take time in the next few moments to go somewhere private (the restroom works for this) and look directly at yourself in the mirror. Look into your eyes; the eyes are the window of the soul. And say to yourself with all conviction: “The rest of my life will be the best of my life”. Now, having done so, apply yourself intentionally at all cost to make it so. You will find yourself changing course. Eliminating excuses. And applying your time. We midlife men are quite conscious of “time” and often excuse ourselves saying “I don't have enough time to do this now...” The truth is, our issue is not a lack of time but a lack of direction. It is time to set aside urgent and demanding things that consume our time & attention and refocus on those things that are significant instead and truly important instead of demanding. The first step, the next step is up to you. Write me sometime later and tell me how its going or post it here. We often find “relationship” issues discussed here in this Men's Forum when really – it isn't about that is it? Its about the rest of our life(which includes our relationships of course). Its up to us to be sure that the rest of our life is the best of our life! Make it so Number One!
