Endorphins – the ‘antidote’ to MLC - or rather - the antidote we seek during MLC ...



I had the opportunity recently to sit with an old friend & business associate I hadn’t seen for a while. The conversation eventually led to catching up on our personal lives when mid-way through our second cup of coffee he admitted his affairs and straying of the past three years. He was on his third MLC relationship of which he was still engaged in two of them while one affair partner didn’t know of the other one – but his wife knew about both. As we spoke about midlife male depression being at the foundation of all this mess he offered his explanation of why and how - he paused and asked – aren’t endorphins powerful things?



I knew exactly what he was referring to.



Midlife Male Depression appears at the onset of every Male Midlife Crisis which if not embraced and treated leads to denial and self-medication of its symptoms. Dr. William Pollock once said that Midlife Crisis is really just a euphemism for male based depression at midlife that we men typically force under or deny in order to appear the strong one. When we do suppress it at midlife it does not go away – it goes covert. Covert depression appears different from the classic signs of depression in that it is not visible by the typical symptoms but by the things we do to assuage it. We self-medicate our depression with feel-good antidotes which those casual onlookers simply call “men behaving badly”. So many of us would much rather be seen as bad boys rather than sad boys and our behaviour often cloaks how we really feel.



The bottom line though is that endorphins that feel so good are what we seek and that are so addictive that it is often difficult to give them up even when our lives crumble around us.



So what are the FAQ’s about endorphins?



Q: What about endorphins and sex?

A: The blissful feeling one often experiences after making love is due to the body's production of endorphins: in fact, endorphin production can increase 200% from the beginning to the end of sexual activity. Recent studies, beginning with those of Candace Pert, Ph.D. of Johns Hopkins University, have documented the connection between orgasm and endorphins, although ongoing physical contact, and not just sex alone, also helps produce endorphins, along with the hormone oxytocin. Together, they are like natural opiates and help stabilize a relationship between a loving couple by inducing what famed obstetrician Michel Odent, of London's Primal Health



Research Center (whose book, The Scientification of Love, was published in England in 1999 and available through www.amazon.co.uk), calls "a druglike dependency." Although there are many reasons why two people choose to maintain a close and loving relationship, endorphins may be a factor.



Q: Is there a connection between good sex, endorphins and staying young?

A: Such a connection may indeed exist. In a 10-year study involving 3500 people, Dr. David Weeks, a neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital and author of Secrets of the Super Young (Berkley, 1999) found that men and`women who have sex four to five times a week look more than 10 years younger than the average person, who has sex twice a week. Dr. Weeks believes that the pleasure derived from sex was a crucial factor in preserving youth. "It makes us happy and produces chemicals [endorphins and oxytocin] telling us so." However, he found that indulging in promiscuous sex did not have the same benefits of enjoying loving sex in a long-term relationship, and it was more likely to promote the aging process rather than reduce it.



Q: Is there a connection between good sex, endorphins and staying married?



A: The blissful feelings after having sex, are the result of a body producing endorphins and the hormone oxytocin, and are enhanced by continued body contact and the endearments of a loving couple. It may even help you stay young. Dr. David Weeks, who studied 3500 people over 10 years, reported in his 1999 book Secrets of the Super Young, that people who had sex four or five times a week, appeared younger than those who only had sex twice a week.

He theorized that the emotional pleasure, as well as the chemicals produced, contributed to the overall emotional well-being, and physical appearance of couples in a stable, loving relationship. However, he noted that promiscuous sex for the sake of sex, did not have the same results.



Businessmen have long known that stress produces endorphins. Often the stress of dealing with a broken marriage and adversity from a betrayed spouse can have a similar affect drawing one closer to your affair partner in order to appreciate endorphins on both sides of the affair. Stress however, produces another adversity men cannot appreciate – it diminishes naturally produced testosterone at a rapid rate! May I just say that the endorphins produced by the stress of restoring marriage after the affair are equal and better – but- WARNING- you may lose sexual performance at this phase because of lowered Testosterone from the stress. To counter this go on a high-dose vitamin B complex, take on resistance exercise training (not only cardio exercise), 30mg / day of zinc, and have Labcor measure both your TOTAL and BIOAVAILABLE Testosterone levels as a baseline in case you need this later on. (And, men, Cialis is 100% better than Viagra so keep this in mind when you need to prop up the corpse…).





A word on addiction.

Many MLC men feel withdrawal after ending the affair. It can be really disconcerting to both you and your wife when you do. Some men suffering withdrawal even return to their affair partner after already initiating marriage restoration. What is it that causes the withdrawal?

It is NOT the affair relationship!



It is the endorphins you are craving!



In marriage recovery and the stress, anxiety, and depression included with it, you no longer can resort to old coping mechanisms you used in your affair and MLC in order to escape or self-medicate how you feel ----------- it is pure hell aint it? But know this… – it is the endorphins you miss, not your old affair partner. Knowing this will give you some relief and keep you from making further mistakes and compromising your self-commitment to “no contact”. Giving more attention to your health and other items will counter this. (Contact me for a white paper on Midlife Transition Strategies That Work if you need specific help with this.)



Endorphins are powerful in us Midlife Men; the ideal is that we direct them instead of allowing them to direct us!