Response Ability

Did you know that there is a world of difference between Responding to matters that arise in our lives and Reacting to them? A Reaction is an opposing action to somebody or something. A Response is a something done, said, or written in reply to an outside stimulus given with forethought, good judgement, that declares YOUR ownership of the matter or event issued upon you. A reaction is done in kind to what was done to you; a response is given in character and strength of position that does not compromise who you are. Reaction tends to point the finger back; response tends to determine actions which WE HAVE CONTROL OF and what we can do. Reaction is more often retaliatory; response is more often caring or genuinely concerned.



More often than not when we in midlife are hurt by a spouse our immediate action is to react, not respond. This is normal. Regardless of how self-controlled we may think that we are there will be a measure of reaction to the hurt and event. When a spouse shows contempt toward us or our marriage and casts a shadow of blame it is human of us to react. In a similar way, we typically wont respond if we accidentally touch the hot burner on the stove; our initial action will be to react and probably voice many other choice words before responding to the damages and repairing it under cold running water! The sudden and immediate hurt places us in immediate tailspin and we will react first! Be sure of this, however; the time spent in reaction to trauma determines both how well we heal and how much we are scarred for life. The amount of thought and attention we give to reacting steals away from the value of our response. It is our Responding that will bring healing and recovery into our lives. Healing and recovery is contingent on our Response Ability.



So what is Response Ability?

Response ability is our responsibility .

What I wish to clarify and bring attention to today is those matters which are MY RESPONSIBILITY. Those matters that are within my sphere alone. Matters which clearly land within MY BOUNDARY.



So many folks are faced with issues that have not been of our own making. They have been done to you. The hurt and pain is not self inflicted; it comes from outside of you. You have been hurt by one you love. The initial tailspin is a reaction to the hurt and heartbreak. It came out from something that was occurring within your spouse’s boundary and sphere. Like the hot burner, you react to the shock and the pain. Within days you likely determine other reactions. Then as time and/or contact continues you find yourself reacting to every event and situation he brings your way. It keeps you on red-alert, robs you of sleep, occupies your thoughts both night and day, and causes you to seek comfort in many things that you might not normally do. It is our reaction to the stimulus of pain!



When other’s freedom leads them to transgress against us the pain we feel is not our fault but it is our responsibility to deal with.



Many times other’s do transgress against us when exercising their freedom and we are responsible for dealing with the injury. If we don’t we will be stuck in a blame position, powerless against their transgression. This “victim” mentality keeps many people stuck in their pain. The transgression was HIS responsibility and the pain you are feeling is his fault. But only you are responsible for dealing with the pain in your life caused by him. In effect you need to come to say “I cannot control his behaviour, but I can take responsibility for dealing with how that affects me and my family. I can own the hurt and the pain and use it to motivate me to change how I deal with him. In that way, I can limit the effects of his behaviour upon me”.



Many folks however, do not take responsibility for their lives. (I’m not saying “fault” but “responsibility”. It is not my fault if I get hit by a truck, but it is my responsibility to learn to walk again. No one can do this for me but they can help me along the way. I must “own” the injured legs and begin to exercise them.) These folks remain stuck because they want other people to change. They want others to make it better, and often those people will not. As a result, they are in bondage to others. Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it away.



When a spouse leaves abruptly (away from home or into isolation from us) it is horrible and there is every reason to feel betrayed, angry, abandoned, depressed, and overwhelmed. As long as we express these feelings of “look what he’s done to me” there is no movement. These are natural feelings to have when one is transgressed against. But they should gradually lead one to a sense of ownership of the situation and a grief of letting go of the loss. Therapists struggle with this aspect more than any other with injured clients. Some clients will hear nothing of the suggestion that they are going to have to do some things to get out of the situation delivered to them; some even leave therapy because of it. They get angry at the suggestion that they have the power to make some choices to help themselves. Instead, all they want to own is the right to blame the spouse for the situation. Sadly, many are found so doing even years later. Those who recover however go through this appropriate blaming phase as well; it is needed – part of the forgiveness process is to call sin, sin. We must confess how we have been sinned against in order to forgive. However, after an appropriate period of blame, we must begin to take responsibility for the mess that someone else’s sin has left us in. Our situation is part of our property; we must own it and deal with our feelings, attitudes, and behaviours to get unstuck even if we did not cause it.



Moving from reaction to response is the best gift you may give yourself today. It is the essence behind what we learn here concerning “Detachment” and the establishment of “boundaries” that without which there can be little chance of recovery for yourself or the strained marriage relationship. These things are TOOLS for you which through practice will identify you as the person you are and will become. They protect you now and preserve you from what for many has become a life of misery. You will find that as you exercise your response ability to end reaction and begin to respond that you will be empowered to forgive and establish your life in an unfeigned freedom that has always been yours but has long been left behind. Bless you as you take courage with these words.

QUOTE (winning, 10:21 AM)

Today I read about Abraham who being past 100 years old himself and his W over 90 yet God’s promise to him was that he would be the father of many nations. With no Viagra and no romantic beachfront resort, he just simply believed God.

It seems that God often waits until we are situationaly beyond our own ability before the promise comes to fruition.

To reinforce His word to Abraham God cut the Covenant with him. A covenant is different from a contract in that a contract is dependent upon both parties doing their part 50 / 50 and if one partner does not hold up his part the contract is void. A covenant is different. A covenant partner will do what he covenanted whether the other performs or not. God wanted to illustrate this to Abraham. He called old Abe to cut the covenant with Him and when all was in place it is said that Abraham fell into a deep sleep, a VERY deep sleep. That darkness that was darker than other darkness fell. It was then that God finally showed and walked through the pieces and cut the covenant when Abraham was weak, weary, and could not move. God needed to prove His point that it was HIS doing, His work, and His ability that was all and in all and that His Word was not dependent upon Abe’s performance, goodness, or ability
 

When the darkness settles in it is probably the most significant time in our lives. It is when we are at the end of ourselves, our ability, and our strength; that God can be God and do His work. We often think that His promise is dependent upon us or our performance or ability; God just doesn’t see it this way. Not that we do not get to cooperate with Him; even if it means that we just get a really deep sleep while He performs; But remember – when we try to help God keep His Word that the result is Ishmael instead of Isaac. It misses the mark and causes much consternation in the future (Ishmael was father of the Arab Nations; Isaac was a patriarch of Israel).

This does NOT mean that we are to just sit on our lees while expecting God to perform our part. If Abe never “tried” with Sarah (without the Viagra) then there likely would have been no Isaac! But in this regard, I must say, ‘trying’ is ¾ of the fun! WooHoo! Why doesn’t God give ME the task of “trying” in this area; I’m only half of Abe’s age!! (Hey Baby, let’s just make love until God keeps His promise!!!!) But the thing is… our cooperation with God requires much more rest than we give attention to. Resting in His ability to do His work is critical to the covenant we have with God. John Wesley once said that “it seems that God can do nothing until someone asks Him”. The Scriptures say
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Sometimes our part is in the humility of “asking”. Then our part is to enjoy the rest we may have in the peace of God while He is NOW able to do what He always wanted to do. The Psalmist said “cease striving and know that I am God”.

What is the Promise of God in your life? Is the darkness settling in? Do you feel weary? Are you now willing to let God be God and do what you cannot do? If so, you are in a good place.

With all of my heart I tell you, often times we feel deeply that we know what is best for our lives. In our hurt and anxiety of mind and heart we reach out desperately for what we feel is best for our lives. Please remember, when Israel complained of the manna God provided He sent them Quail. Afterward it was said

“God gave them their request but sent leanness to their soul”

. Dear One, although your heart might now be breaking and everything in you hurts, is the request of your heart the answer for your life? I’ve known several wives who requested their husbands return that having received it have such leanness in their soul today because they sacrifice so much of themselves to keep the relationship while he refuses to talk about his affair and heal the things that hurt so much. They have received their request but the leanness of their soul today is twice the hell of when he was away and betraying. I know several other wives whose husbands divorced and will never return that are now leading fruitful lives, in charge of their own future, are fruitful in their careers and well-being, and have good and responsive boundaries around their lives that give them freedom of expression of who they are. What makes the difference? Both are given the opportunity in this hell to develop their autonomy, individuality, and personhood. It is the compromises to have our desires without the value of embracing our individuality that often gives us our request while sending leanness to the soul. Remember, if you need to compromise who YOU are in order to gain what you now feel is your desire – stand back, reassess, and understand that at this time of life is a time where you must deal with YOU as much as he must deal with HIM. It is far more difficult to learn hard lessons twice isn’t it? In our response ability

let’s remember that OUR response is first to be response able to our own selves. While doing so we may just find ourselves being response able to God.
 

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...gawd I hope there IS such a thing as MIDLIFE CRISIS; if not - what was THAT!