A major difficulty most of us face in our midlife crisis is that the road ahead becomes blurred by what we see on the road behind.
We come to a crux in the road where we discover that activity doesn't mean achievement and that we have been running, running, and running, for so many years and the way we once dreamed our lives would turn out is nothing like the life we now live.
The result... Discontent!
Major discontent!
Whats more, is that the road ahead doesn't appear much more pleasant than the road behind.
The many things we once considered important to us now seem out of reach because we have aged and time is no longer on our side to start again. Most men I talk to say that when this happens they feel trapped.
We feel trapped where we are at and not much hope for the future. When we look inside we see nothing but failures that have cluttered our way. Our parents have aged or perhaps died and life doesn't look too much better where they lived it either. Finally we ask that age old question: “what if this is as good as it gets?”
Discontent leads to sense of failure which leads to sadness which leads to further discontent until finally we analyze all the major decisions we made in our lives including career choices, marriage, and where we chose to live and see that all these seem like empty choices too. The man in the mirror doesn't look like the man you wanted to be. Nothing ahead in life seems pleasant at all; in fact, life is a bitch and then you die. Until...
Like every man who feels trapped... “freedom” is the only answer.
When men lose vision we cast off restraint.
The measure in which we cast off self-restraint differs for every man but we will do it when the road ahead is unclear because of the emptiness of the road behind.
For many of us this turns into a crisis. If not for us, then certainly for our wives and family. It is at this crux in the road where we loath “responsibility” because clearly, it has brought us little peace-of-mind. Freedoms appeal dresses itself in many different ways: a motorcycle or new sportier car, change in musical choices, a different style or wardrobe, a new fitness regime, secretly drinking more alcohol, flirting with women, gambling, and risk taking, and more. When we think of what went wrong or what is to blame we look first at our work because we find our identity there. If it isn't our work choice that brought us here we look secondly at our home and THERE is always going to be conflict in the home. It is here that we determine that our marriage is the source of our discontent and unhappiness.
More than ANY other element in midlife I hear men say they were “unhappy”. Happiness becomes the quest of nearly every man in midlife crisis.
It almost seems logical! That is, if my discontentment makes me sad then the opposite of sadness – happiness must be the solution! We look at happiness as our right. And even though we know down inside us that this “unhappiness” is our own issue and may even say “its me, not you” to our wives; we still cast the blame of “if only's” on her. And it seems rational. Perfectly rational! Doesn't it?
This drives us into – the basement, a new apartment, onto the open road, or even into a flirtatious relationship with another woman. It drives us to seek out happiness to counter unhappiness and we find ANYTHING to fill its void.
To everyone close to us this appears as “selfishness” and by gawd you WILL be labelled with the “selfish” label! If they really find distaste in your actions they will even label you “narcissistic”! Never mind that most of your life to date was anything but! And.....well.........this is a selfish time; it has to be.
But here is where I must speak the truth to you. “Happiness” is the most fickle and lowest pursuit of any man. It is unworthy of your attention as a marker of your life. It is the most empty and unrewarding of all of our pursuits. And it is deceptive in the manner in which it twists our minds. A thousand other qualities in life are higher than this one. It is weak and poor in determining our choices. Do we need it?! Absolutely! Do we like it?! Absolutely! Without it life is not worthwhile. But... it is not a stable enough emotion to base our life's decisions on. It sways in the direction of circumstance and honors no one except the one who has it. It comes and goes at the sway of mood, hormones, alcohol, or even Starbucks! It is fickle and unfaithful. And the description I just made of it just described you if you have made it your pursuit!
Men, our discontent has a purpose. The sooner you discover what the purpose of your discontent is, the sooner you overcome it.
I believe that discontent in midlife is likely the most important phase of our midlife crisis. It stands at the fork in the road to your future. How we manage discontent and the degree to which we counter it with our choices will unfold the second half of our lives. It is there for a reason. An important reason. What we MUST do is give leadership to it, not management or coping. This 'leadership' is something we need to talk about because you will either react to your life or lead your life. To lead your life is the better choice.
Our Best.
Underlying this overwhelming feeling of discontent at midlife is something even more sinister – we see that our best is not good enough. Most of us will readily admit that we gave it our best and now we discover that our best just isn't good enough. For some of us this is compounded in our marriage. We not only measure our lives on the happiness scale but we now measure our success as men and husbands on the scale of her happiness. And of all the times in our lives when we need validation as a man and husband we find it lacking even in our own homes. That “poor” scale of happiness does it once again; it measures us against her happiness. If she seems discontent with life or house or home or level of satisfaction it hits squarely upon that inherent need we men have to be a provider. Our best is what we gave and it comes up short. We may not even consider that perhaps her discontent may be the outworking of hormones or her own time of life to reappraise it; instead we envelope her discontent with our own and weigh it on the happiness scale and find it wanting.
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hydrangea
6/17/2010 6:34:53 AM
Dear Newman,
I am a newbie to this site and the midlifeclubforum and I am learning many things about my H's crisis. He seems to be in the fog and is having an emotional affair w/old high school girlfriend that lives 1700 miles from us (he is 52 years old now). He did make it to Fla. a few months ago under the guise of visiting his sister but I knew he saw both and he had private time with her. He talks to her on the phone almost every day for a hour or so. I believe this started with our issues over the dreaded ED problem which occured due to his meds. for a mild hear attack years ago. This problem lead to other problems in our lives. He is trying to run but we have only 1 income in the house and I have showed him the hard evidence to prove he cannot take $1500 or so away from the home for a year to go deal with his anger. Our house is still not on the market yet--he won't fill out the paperwork or decide which seller to go with. I know is running himself into the ground over this issue. He filed for divorce from me (and our 15 year old son) 2 months ago, shortly after he started this phone affair, and we have to go to mediation in early July with our lawyers. We slept together and enjoyed much intimacy for 3 weeks before he went to Fla., then he said he thought we should stop so I wouldn't get hurt. Prior to that 3 weeks, I was sleeping in the other room for many reasons for 4 years-mostly due to his sleep apnea and he barks at me alot. When he came home from Fla. the intimacy started again after a few days and is now on the decline once more. The ED issue seems to have gone away for the most part, he knows this was his biggest issue with our relationship. I do give him kisses and hugs every evening and he says he loves the great kisses. We have slept together a few times over the last 4 weeks and I know he greatly enjoys it but will not initiate it himself. When I ask him if I can sleep with him he tells me "not now but soon." I do not want him to leave or go thru with the divorce but right now I think he likes the control. My questions to you are: 1) How long does this fog last? 2) Would you please recommend a book for me to give to him so he understands what is happening to him? I have read many articles that say I should not do this but your entry on the midlifeclubforum hints at "being the one to go into the dark with a flashlight to fight the bad guys and help him." Should I try to help him thru this? This is a very hard reality to deal with and sometime is overwhelming. I am trying to give him the emotional support he wants with nothing in return.