When I look deeply and shake matters down to their finite elements that set-off the direction of the midlife crisis there are really very few. Yes, there are various contributors that trigger a man to midlife crisis and mine were very likely not yours, but there are common denominators that dignify a midlife crisis from other crises in our lives.
Erickson, who has been attributed with introducing the term “midlife crisis” was really better known for his research on “identity crisis” and found a need to give distinction to this side of it that occurs at middle life; because it is unique. And what I believe identifies this identity crisis more than any other thing is that men with formerly strong identity and proven character gradually yet suddenly cast off restraint.
One of the most difficult arenas that we see this happening in is the church or with men that have formerly taken strong moral stands in their lives and commitments. They could often have been described as “Men of Integrity”. Their personal integrity is what takes the largest blow in midlife crisis. Their fall is most difficult to stomach for so many of us. We forget that they were mere men like the rest of us. Some even mocked other men who fell before they fell themselves.
But to bring this back around to “identity” and how it all connects, let me just say this: “most men think that integrity is synonymous with scrubbing our lives of sin (for lack of a better word). And as important as this aspect of manhood really is, it is defining ourselves by what we don't do!
Did you catch that?
Most men who live what others may call an outstanding moral life of character and virtue are not really virtuous at all. Yet we esteem such men on the things they don't or wont do! -- “I will not steal. I will not speak lies. I will not cheat on my tax return. I will not slander. I will not commit adultery and cheat on my wife” -- the list goes on... And we call such men – men of character and men with integrity. But lets be perfectly clear – when we define our lives and who we are by what we don't do, it is the most shallow of definitions. The definition only leaves a vacancy and vacuum. Removing the 'bad' from ourselves without adding the 'good' to us only makes us halfhearted men who become passively predictable nice men who are nice, not because we are virtuous but because we lack virtue; and that virtue we lack is courage.
Men who define themselves and their own character by what they don't do lack vision. At their best, when they introduce themselves, they can only define themselves by their occupation - “I'm an Attorney, Doctor, Engineer, Trucker...”
When I meet people for the first time, as interesting as their career choices and occupations might be, I still want to know something about the man in them. The real guy. I ask “what else about this man defines him? What passion does he have burning in his belly? Does he engage himself in something worthy and giving out of himself? Is there more to him?” Sadly, today, the very best most men can talk about is sports and typically teams where other men are playing and not he himself. There is a vacuum in our manhood today that is epidemic!
See, “without a vision”, Solomon said, “men cast off restraint”.
There must be an overriding cause and purpose to our lives that is greater than we are.
At midlife we are stopped midway to assess our lives and put it under review, according to Levinson, and quite frankly, many of us do not like what we see. And although this should be a motivator to change our lives going forward into something more meaningful and significant, more often we find ourselves with vacancy of vision toward the rest of our lives and cast aside restraint! - Those elements we thought made us strong but were merely elements of life that we don't do! Without a vision men cast off self restraint.
On the flip side of this 'coin' though is what Viktor Frankyl discovered and later promoted as therapy, that 'vision' is the element that brings men through crisis and adversity. That men who survive the adversities, difficulties, and crises in their lives have an underlying purpose and meaning for their lives that supersedes all that they are going through. The answer in crises is often to find and discover ones purpose and vision for our lives and then to apply ourselves toward its fulfilment.
So then – the bottom may fall out of our world when we discover our lives have lacked meaning; but it may be restored when we attach meaningfulness to it.
We in midlife crisis are renown for our ability to rewrite our story. Its a gift! Yes, that sounds funny that we are gifted with this ability and some more than others! But it is true, we are gifted to re-write our stories. What you may not have known is that this gift is to be employed in rewriting it forward but you have used it to rewrite history going backward. When we do, our lives, history, and even our marriage rubs us the wrong way. I always say that if we are rubbing the cat the wrong way; let the cat turn around! This skill of rewriting our story is intended to rewrite the direction of our lives, not to start it again new with another woman, family, friends, and the like... but to write in meaningfulness and purpose and direction that does not compromise who we are and have worked all our lives until now to be.
The error is to discover meaninglessness and to stop there and cast off restraints in a backward direction. This discovery is intended for us to make mid-course correction and to dig deep in quiet and often solitude until we emerge with a new or renewed course for our lives that gives it meaning. If there is a chrysalis phase in a mans life, this is it! A mid-life crisis can turn into a mid-course correction! It is time we gave it this attention.
Where do we start?
Begin by getting quiet; you need time alone. Take along a large notebook and pen. Begin to write out the things you value most in life. Add to it the things you value but are not clearly evident in your life. Make it a list and just do a blitz in rapid succession of these values. For help in determining what “values” really are, see the "values" section of this blog.
Next, list out the things in your life that are most important to you. These may differ from the 'values' list or other elements may be the same. You will discover quickly that although the things on your list are most important to you, they are not likely the things that you have been giving your time to up til now. That's okay for right now – write them down. (Remember the cat rubbed the wrong way.) To help you determine those things most important to you ask yourself this question: “What one thing can I do in my life, that if I did it consistently, would have the most significant impact on my life today?” Put this answer at the top of your list. Repeat the same question now but substitute the word “family” where the word “life” appeared. Do the same for marriage, work, leisure, and so on...
Next, make a list of the activities you now do on a consistent weekly basis in order of their importance. Leave room beside your list to mark as one of four different categories – SIGNIFICANT – VITAL - DEMANDING – TRIVIAL. Because everything we do will fall into these four categories. Significant things are the the matters that you answered by the above question. Vital matters are matters of life that are both significant and demanding of your time and input. Demanding things are matters that are pressing on your time but are most often just matters that are demanding to others that you have taken on. Trivial matters are those things we run to because of life's pressures in order to escape. They may be: television, drinks at the bar or alone, video games, novels, and the like that really do not contribute anything significant to your life but still absorb hours upon hours of it. We really shouldn't be living life in this zone at all!
Commit to doing the SIGNIFICANT things first. The lie is that “if it is important to you then you will do it”. Quite the opposite is true. We tend to live our lives in the demanding and pressing areas that are often pressing to others and when we exhaust our inner resources we run to the trivial things to escape. The things that are truly important and significant to “me” are the things we sacrifice to what seems more demanding. You need to turn this cat around! Put the significant things first and then put first things first.
Do you see how this exercise is getting you to rewrite your story going forward?
Do you see a vision for your life forming on the pages?
You do; don't you?
So take these elements you scribbled in your scribbler and create a single page or paragraph or sentence out of what you discovered and make it into a statement of who you are and the direction you will now go in. Read this statement aloud to yourself the beginning of every week (or daily if you need to) until it becomes a part of you. Begin to make your life-choices based upon this statement. Let it become your mission in life. And add to it as you discover more of who you are, what you value, and the course ahead of you – it grows as you do. It becomes your vision.
With this vision, as you direct your life into it, it gives you a predetermined course in which questions about whether or not you will cast off restraints has already been answered.
Applying these and vision to your life is part of the solution to your midlife crisis but is also the most important. It gives leadership to your life that you know has been sorely missing. Other elements of your personal growth will flow into this too; but put the first things first.