"He ask me NOT to bring 'her' up to him and I said, "I'm sorry, we have to talk about her, she is a part of our history.""
Hi Sad and Blue,
I'm so happy that things have come to this day for you and him; by now it must seem bitter-sweet though huh?
I remember feeling like what he just said to you; yes, we betrayers would love to just skate on the OW issue and have it behind us as quickly as yesterday! It doesn't work that way though. Its a trade-off really -- you need answers to hundreds of unanswered questions in order to piece together the shattered marriage that you never shattered AND he needs the past over with. There is an answer for this...
I had a "revelation moment" one day when I was saying what your husband just said! I was doing some self-talk at the time and bitterly complaining to myself of my need to "allocute" the details of my crime and always be on red-alert that another question would arise when I least expected it. Then it dawned on me - my need was to have it all over with and hers was to gain understanding so.... if I would just willingly answer her questions then MY needs would get met! Whoa! Light bulb moment huh!
You are so correct, the affair and Other Woman does need to be discussed and as you both do it will hurt on both sides. These are things you both will wish to forget. It is DAMNED tough to talk about but you do need to; both of you need to, it cleans out the fester from the wounds so they can re-heal in view of the new relationship you will build together.
When I discovered the need to answer questions and discuss the affair and brought this and myself willingly to the table a strange and wonderful thing began to occur. We began to drop our defenses and be vulnerable to each other and fall in love in a deep way. We began to both laugh again at me, at the Other Woman, and join sides against the ridiculousness of it all. We found that these conversations and honesty brought us so close together that we began to look forward to discussing the affair! Who knew! I sure didn't when I said like your Husband did -- "I want you to not bring her up again...."
quote:
I told him I would not force the issue but eventually we have to discuss 'her'... Oh God... I wish there was no 'her' to discuss...
Sad and Blue
It will come, she does become a shadow to our memories and a blob of history instead of the blight she is now. Yes, I agree, I wish there was no "her" to discuss too. Count your time in months going forward from here but survive through only the next day. Both of you will have ambivalence to the marriage recovery at alternating times; it will be intense the first 3 months while you both work on it; then it just kinda dissipates - so take heart.
I feel for you both; this is beyond a doubt the most difficult time of your lives and at times you will feel like you DONT NEED ALL THIS @!@#$#@ in your life. Celebrate the little breakthroughs and tell each other when he scores a space in your heart you never knew was there and let him do the same. The little breakthroughs count big!
Take care of you; I'm happy for you both
..........................
gawd I hope there IS such a thing as MIDLIFE CRISIS; if not - what was THAT!
but you do need to; both of you need to, it cleans out the fester from the wounds so they can re-heal in view of the new relationship you will build together.